The Top 3 Reported Problems of Couples
And how they could relate to commitment
I’ve done a great deal of work with couples over the years and have identified the Top 3 commonly reported problems in my practice. My objective here is to highlight these problems with the goal that partners and couples can gain some insight into how these problems can cause the very problems themselves and reinforce deeper problems of commitment.
- “We can’t communicate.”
Problems of communication is the number one complaint couples enter into therapy with. This problem often comes in tow with the second most common complaint, “we’re too different,” and the third most common complaint, “my partner is the problem,” both of which often cause the problems of communication. - “We’re too different.”
When partners view the differences between them a problem, more often the problem is treated like a threat. As a result, each partner is reactive in how they communicate and deal with problems. They may double down, be more extreme, or try to convince the other in an attempt to be right, feel heard, or get their way. All of this can cause the first and third problems, “we can’t communicate,” and “my partner is the problem.” - “My partner is the problem.”
When I establish goals for therapy it becomes clear that each partner thinks their partner is the problem and that if their partner changed, the problems would disappear, or if their partner changed, they would change. It is popular belief with couple and family therapists that the problem with this strategy is that both partners are thinking the same thing and so neither of them change and nothing changes.
These Top 3 complaints can mask deeper problems of commitment and create a vicious cycle that gives the illusion that there are reasons not to be committed. Research has shown that the most common cause of divorce in married couples is a lack of commitment. Research has also shown that the success rate of marriage/couples counseling is the level of commitment with both partners.
Couple’s therapists, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks have a theory: the mistake many people make is committing to outcomes, which cannot be controlled, rather than processes, which are always within a person’s control. They also believe that the way to identify what someone is committed to, is to look at the results they are getting – which, in their theory are what a person is unconsciously committed to.
I have come to believe there is a strong case here and have certainly seen it to be true in my practice time and time again. The real challenge (among many) for partners and couples without the help of a professional, is how they deal with the Top 3 perceived problems and the results they produce. The real challenge for therapists is helping couples understand how the Top 3 commonly reported problems are more often problems couched in other problems of unconscious commitments.
